His Love Has Nothing To Do With My Performance

Today was the first day (and hopefully only day) I filed for “withdrawal” from a college class. I have been thinking about it for a couple weeks now. I have been afraid to tell my parents and admit to myself that I can not keep up with the course requirements, afraid of failure, and afraid of submitting to the “I can’t” in my head.

I’ve had so far a streak of a mental breakdown in the car before this class. I don’t know what it is that is coming  over me these past couple weeks though, this is nothing like me or something what the old me would of done.

The other day I read “His love has nothing to do with my performance.”

This “failure” in my life should mean nothing to me. Not because I’m careless, but because I know there is more to life than this. And I love that. That possible knowing there is going to be something better around the corner because of Him is what is keeping me going.

If that doesn’t get you motivated than I don’t know what will.

It sucks, don’t get me wrong, spending money on a class that gave me no credit or grade. But I feel this is just yet another bump in the road that God is leading me. He showed me with this suckish chemistry class, that this isn’t for me. I need to head into a different direction.

I am thinking of a career maybe in public relations, something that will get my writing going because I love it so much and there is so much I want to learn to improve. And to do something I love and get paid for it would be soooo ideal. Who knows at this moment right now, as I sit in a Starbucks with my pumpkin spice latte being as basic as ever. Recently I have found peace of mind going to other places other than doing work at home. Like the other day I found myself finishing my online midterm at the public library. Who am I and what is this nerd self coming out of from? It’s weird that life and God takes you places to where you would of never guessed yourself.

Looking at the withdrawal form gets me excited and anxious at the  same time. Knowing that I never have to take this class again, AMEN! Sorry about this last rant.

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